Linguishtiks
I had a dream I was on the subway, and the subway began to go downhill, like a roller coaster. I began to float, and at first it seemed normal, to float, I thought nothing of floating because it seemed like what was supposed to be happening because we were going downhill. But I noticed nobody else was floating yet I was floating, my body began to feel more and more weightless, it didn’t feel like physics, but magic. Then I began to lose consciousness, I couldn't speak or move. I tried to say Help Me Help Me but I couldn’t and then I began to wake up and still could not speak or move, I tried again to scream Help Me Help Me but I still couldn't. Sleep paralysis. I had to tell myself I’m dreaming I’m dreaming I’m dreaming to get out of it. Good thing I know how to lucid dream.
I do everything in my power to be difficult to trust. If somebody trusts you that means you can disappoint them, and I would rather be evasive than disappointing. Plus, they can disappoint you, too. I’ve learned my lesson, and yes, I’ve overcorrected, yes I’ve chosen loneliness which contradicts everything I claim to want to feel, everything I say I believe in, but that’s just how things go.
Right now, I just want the feeling of a hand on my chest, a hand that I feel through my skin and through my ribcage and through whatever else, until it melts all the way into my heart. Because within each language are a billion different languages and
And In elementary school and into middle school I would be sent to competitions play a game called LinguiSHTIK. LinguiSHTIK is played by three different competitors from three different schools. Essentially, you’re trying to make a word. There are 23 lettered cubes, and a mat that has two sections, Letters and Demands. Here’s how you play:
One player rolls the cubes and chooses a sentence pattern or structure. The second player chooses a part of speech that each player will have to form, like noun, pronoun, verb, adjective, adverb, preposition, conjunction, or interjection. The third player chooses how the word they’re making will be used in the sentence.
After that the players take turns moving cubes to the Letters or Demands section of the mat. If a cube is added to the Letters section, the letter on that cube can be used in the word to be formed. If the cube is added to the Demands section, the letter on the cube can’t be used for the word, and the player who moved a cube to the Demands section makes a demand, like “the word must be three syllables,” or something.
The three players take turns adding cubes to the mat until one of the players thinks there are enough letters to make a word that can follow the rules of the word, at which point they all try to form a word and use it in a sentence the way they’re supposed to be able to use it in a sentence. When sentences are created and written at the end of the round, the sentence has to be perfect. That means all words have to be spelled correctly and the punctuation has to be right. '
My point is that I know how to lucid dream and I know how to use words—maybe just maybe I take too much control over things, constantly backseat driving, yet even when I’m supposed to be the driver, when it’s my turn to drive, I’m driving from the back seat, and it’s a pretty bumpy ride.
Today a bird sat by me while I was sitting on the sidewalk and it stayed for a while and I’m worried that it may have been hurt or dying because usually birds don’t stay in one place for very long. I’ve also noticed that when I’m not in New York City, you can’t get as close to the birds. The instinct that says fly away, they’re too close kicks in at a further distance—I guess what I’m trying to say is that closeness is relative, it’s very relative to how close your body is used to being to other bodies and the way it tingles when another body gets however close too close is to you. Too close is further away out there (for the people and for the birds and for the deer and for the stray cats and). The birds will fly away from something that moves almost a hundred yards away—the birds in the city are never a hundred yards away from something that moves. But even for New York City, me and this bird were too close, because it was in pain, I think, and you can get even closer to a wounded bird, animals are skittish, but when they are wounded you can get really really close and you think they trust you, you think this moment is special, until you realize they are wounded at which point you feel pity for them but you also feel betrayed by the fact they made you feel like you were sharing something special. They didn’t mean to deceive you, but I understand why you felt that way.